If I go Crazy, Will You still Call me Superman?
by Intrepid Inkweaver
Summary: The madness he lifted from Sam had given him clarity, but not redemption. He would never see the forgiveness in their eyes. It was time to stay away now.


So, 7:21 broke my heart, and as per usual it came out in a fic. Is it strange that I found crazy-Castiel so much easier to write than I did Dean? That aside, please review! As always, I want to know how I did!

Everything was so clear to him now. It was as if the madness had cleared his eyes rather than the opposite. The problem was that no one else could truly _understand _the way he did. No matter how much he tried to explain they all looked at him with confused eyes. Not even the demon understood. Among the humans he came to appreciate her company, despite what she was. It wasn't as though his former charges had come to him. And why would they, after what he'd done? If it was his penance to stay on Earth with no one but a demon to care for him, then so be it. He deserved this, and more.

He had always done what he had thought at the time was what was best for The Boys, what was best for Dean. He had given everything he was to try to protect them (him). And still they stared him down with accusing eyes and nothing would ever heal, nothing could ever make them look at him like he was their friend, their family—like he was loved—again. Maybe if he wasn't around them he couldn't cause anymore harm. Maybe no one else would die because Castiel was trying to protect the Winchester brothers. Maybe, without him there to protect them, they were better off.

Or, maybe it was another part of his punishment to see them fail, to see them die because they were missing the angel on their shoulder.

They didn't understand the things he wanted to tell them. They couldn't see clearly like he could. They couldn't see the bees. He hadn't wanted them to come for him. If he was to no longer cause the pain, then they mustn't come to him for help. When he helped before there was only suspiscion-guilt-I'msosorryDean-Pleaseforgiveme-Iloveyou. But they had come at the behalf of his demon, and they needed him again. And maybe now he could fix the world he had broken. But De—The Boys still wouldn't look at him like he was friendfamilyloved. Now he was crazybrokenuselessguilty. Even his sister only wanted him dead. No wonder. It wasn't just humans whom he'd wronged. So many angels lay dead because of him. And it all rolled back to protecting Those Boys that had once loved him. Maybe it was right that he should die at the hands of his sister. Perhaps if he ceased to exist then the world would just right itself.

How ironic that it was the demon that saved him. The demon kept him for his power. Even broken she still wanted him. Even The Boys only wanted him for his power. Besides that he was just fallenbrokenguilty. Maybe not so useless. Maybe he could give them something else. Always willing to bleed for them. Always willing to Fall, to break, to fight, to die for them. For him.

Hester was right. The moment he had touched Dean's soul to bring him back from Perdition, he had been doomed to Fall. Angels weren't meant to love the way he did. Angels weren't made to Fall in Love. They weren't supposed to base their entire existence upon one being and his little brother. They weren't supposed to rebel against the powers-that-be at that person's behest. They weren't supposed to die multiple times trying to protect them. They weren't supposed to fight an enemy that they had little hope to defeat in order to protect that person. And most of all they weren't supposed to put their conscience aside to find a way to defeat their enemy and end up becoming a crazed and mutilated version of what they once were.

But Castiel had.

For him.

And now there was nothing but the clarity of madness and a demon on a vendetta. He had given up everything he was so now he suffered his consequences. No longer did he hope that one day, maybe, Dean might notice that his angel had given him everything. There was no hope for the Guilty in Dean Winchester's eyes.

There was nothing left but to follow the honey bee and hope for the best for The Boys. They didn't need him anyways. He only caused them paintroubleproblemshurt. And that was that last thing he wanted.

P.S.

~The title came from the song Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. It has always been the song I associate with Cas, now more than ever.


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